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As I have mentioned in a thread very recently, I’ve received some bad news.
I have developed lung cancer, and yes, the same one that took Alex.
It’s somewhat hereditary, and is more common between siblings. So since Alex had it, being my twin brother, I got it too.
On top of this, I got this news just days after I found out my girlfriend of three years is pregnant, which I was initially excited for.
Knowing that I will likely die in no more than a few years, knowing that I will not be able to be a father and see my child grow up, and other things like this, is very hard to deal with.
Later that night, after learning that I have the very same cancer that killed my brother, I almost commit suicide, just so I wouldn’t deal with any of this.
I’ve had a very depressing life, both Alex and I have, together, and we always helped each other up when we needed it, but now, I don’t have anyone, and it’s becoming very hard to keep from dropping into the hole of depression that I’ve fell into multiple times in my life.
All I feel right now, is pain, not physical, just emotional. In fact, I can’t feel anything else.
Just this morning, I grabbed a lighter and burned the skin off my forearm, and felt nothing. I grabbed my pocket knife and sliced it open. Nothing.
The reason I’m saying this, is because both my brother-in-law (who was Alex’s husband before his death), and my girlfriend, told me that if I talk about it to someone, it can help, just a little bit. That’s there’s nothing to lose and it’s worth a shot.
I can’t talk to someone in person without breaking down, so I’m posting it here instead, a place that has proved to be helpful emotionally.
I’m not a religious guy, so I’m not going to give you any half-hearted religious platitudes.
That said…every day we get to live life is a gift, and although you’ve suffered through a tremendous amount of grief and sorrow, life is still worth living given the permanent alternative. Even if you don’t feel that way at this moment. Let your unborn child have a chance to know his/her father. Maybe it will only be for a few months. Maybe it will be for a few years. But don’t do anything to deprive them of that opportunity. Fight this thing the best way you can.
I’d strongly encourage that you seek out a support group or properly trained counselors. They can help.
Good luck.
Well, I’ve googled a little bit now and learned that “Restricted lung tumors, in stages I and II, should be operated and removed, with a chance of cure of up to 70%. In the other stages, the association of chemo and radiotherapy, with possible surgical rescue, is the alternative that presents better results, but not exceeding 30% cure rate. In stage VI, chemotherapy is the most indicated treatment, but the chances of cure are extremely low.” (from a Brazilian site with google translator, sorry if any sentence doesn’t make much sense!)
I can’t imagine how does it feel to be in a situation like that but even if your chances are “extremely low” I just have to ask you to do NOT give up and fight until the end!!!!
“May the force be with you!”Well, I’ve googled a little bit now and learned that “Restricted lung tumors, in stages I and II, should be operated and removed, with a chance of cure of up to 70%. In the other stages, the association of chemo and radiotherapy, with possible surgical rescue, is the alternative that presents better results, but not exceeding 30% cure rate. In stage VI, chemotherapy is the most indicated treatment, but the chances of cure are extremely low.” (from a Brazilian site with google translator, sorry if any sentence doesn’t make much sense!)
I can’t imagine how does it feel to be in a situation like that but even if your chances are “extremely low” I just have to ask you to do NOT give up and fight until the end!!!!
“May the force be with you!”
Unfortunately it’s not that easy, though I wish it was.
It’s actually small cell lung cancer, but something about my body that makes it grow much slower.
My doctor still doesn’t even know what the hell is going on, though he’s not surprised, since the same thing happened with Alex.
And while my body is somehow deterring it’s progress, it also prevents treatment, so I basically have to live with it.
There’s obviously pros and cons to this. Although it’s very low, I can completely survive this, or with a much higher chance, it could kill me within the next few months/years.
I’m not a doctor and I can’t find a case like mine online, so it’s extremely hard to explain myself.
But I hope this is enough to understand.
You need to find professional help as Sam said, no doubt, they know how to give help and talk to you. With that said, do you know when it’s over? It’s over only when it’s over, not a minute before. You need to fight this hard, you need to beat it, and you’re not gonna do it for yourself. You’re gonna do it for your child, who when anything hard in life will present to them will think “my dad has fought worse than this, I’m gonna beat this for sure”. And you’re gonna believe you’ll beat this even if the doctors say you can’t, because that’s the kind of person you want your kid to keep in their heart.
There is not much more I can say, nobody hear can put themselves in your shoes and we can’t pretend to know your pain. Just don’t feel you’ve already lost: you have one person to inspire in your life now and you need to do that as long as possible.
Hoo boy, looks like it’s story time.
In the year 2008 there was this 13 year-old boy who was living his life as a junior-high student. He had recently gone through a divorce and while it didn’t bother him too much he didn’t get to see his dad as often as he liked but every few weekends he was able to visit his dad. While he was far from the best example of the perfect father figure the boy still saw the good in him and loved him very much.
Then one day his dad was over talking to his mom and called both the boy and his younger brother into the room.
He had cancer.
Originally it had developed as prostate but because the boy’s father was stubborn and never went to the doctor the cancer grew too fast until it reached stage 4. At this point it was just a matter of time. The boy honestly didn’t know what to feel. So he decided not to. He just kept on going like it wasn’t a problem. He even forgot his dad was on a timer.
Fast-forward a few months. The boy was hanging out with his dad and while he tried to ignore it he saw what the cancer was doing to his father. The strong Vietnam veteran, gun-loving, computer whiz, tough man he knew was withering away. Lesions and bruises caked his skin. His hair was thin and grey. His feet bloated and purple. His breath reeked of decay. His father struggled to stay awake. But he didn’t give up. For some reason he kept pushing despite cancer’s toll on him. “The Big ‘C’ Shootout” he’d call it. Whether it was for his children or himself or wanting to make it to the fourth Indiana Jones film (he loved Harrison Ford) he kept going. Each weekend the boy tried to visit him. He wanted to spend each minute with his father. He did so until the last weekend in May where his mom told him she didn’t want him visiting his dad because she was “worried he’d fall asleep with a lit cigarette and burn the apartment down.”
On June 1st, 2009, the boy’s mom came to the door of his friend’s where he was hanging out. Dad was gone. The boy swore and punched the door but he didn’t actually feel anything. It seemed like the proper response at the time. It wasn’t until later the boy found out it wasn’t cancer that killed him. His father, the man who survived a tough childhood and a brutal war, put a gun to his head and blew his brains out on the apartment floor.
This boy to this day only has one regret: having not seen his father the final weekend. He wondered for the longest time why his dad killed himself rather than fight it until the end. He came to the conclusion his father wanted to end it on his terms but the boy didn’t like that answer. He still doesn’t. Imagine all the conversations he could have. Now nearing age 22 he had so many questions to ask his father. Could you help me with my programming homework? What was the war like? How do you properly shave? Want to come see my play this weekend?
The boy now ponders all the opportunities he missed with his dad. All that he will continue to miss. How much he wants to call his father and tell him “I love you.” He misses his father dearly. But most of all he wonders what he could’ve done if he had that final weekend with his father. If his father felt abandoned because his son didn’t visit him that weekend. If he felt life wasn’t worth it anymore and he died alone in that apartment thinking suicide was the only way out of the mess and the fall from the strong man he was.
Cancer is fucking brutal, Archer. It has no prejudice, no feelings. All it wants to do, all it knows to do, is to consume and consume until there’s nothing left. But that doesn’t mean it’s unbeatable. That doesn’t mean life is no longer worth it. Please please please don’t end it before its time. Not while you can still give cancer the hell it deserves.
Unfortunately it’s not that easy, though I wish it was.
It’s actually small cell lung cancer, but something about my body that makes it grow much slower.
My doctor still doesn’t even know what the hell is going on, though he’s not surprised, since the same thing happened with Alex.
And while my body is somehow deterring it’s progress, it also prevents treatment, so I basically have to live with it.
There’s obviously pros and cons to this. Although it’s very low, I can completely survive this, or with a much higher chance, it could kill me within the next few months/years.
Please see other doctors and get a number of opinions.
I know you guys are right, and I will try as long as I can, hell, I’d even be dead right now if I hadn’t hesitated that day.
Like I said in the main post, I posted this just to get it out there.
I’m not looking for sympathy, I’m not looking for help, I just wanted to let my emotions out the way they should, by talking about it, instead of keeping it in and making it worse, or letting it out in anger/frustration.
But as you some of you suggested, I will be getting professional help. I’m just so messed up right now that I can’t think straight and I constantly feel sick.
I’ll be taking a bit of time away from everything, but I’ll be back and let you guys know how things are going after new years.
Merry Christmas everyone.
Please see other doctors and get a number of opinions.
I did exactly that just about an hour ago, I was able to get six doctors to check everything out (all the info is on paperwork, so it’s simple without any exams) , and they’ll let me know just before Christmas.
I’m sorry this is happening to you and your family, man. Keep us posted and don’t ever consider giving up.
Really bummed to hear of your situation. I do recall when you had informed us of your brother’s passing and I’m sure that was tough enough to endure. I can’t even begin to imagine how this must be affecting you. Please find a strength and resolve to live every day from here on to it’s fullest.
As you continue your fight, discover and recognize joy in even the littlest of things, that in itself can possibly fuel the will to live even longer and stronger. Alex found one of his little joys in doing his customs and interacting with like minded people. I believe a centeredness in spirit can provide a certain amount of acceptance of the reality and that reality can certainly be one of ‘LIVING your very best in the now’, that may not be a scientific fact but and as you’ve said “this (customs) was one of those things that gave him a purpose that helped ease some of the depression.”
Keep your spirits up, fight this cancer with a defiant will, and give it fuckin’ hell! Seeing the type of brother you’ve been after his passing and knowing how you’ve unselfishly shared Alex’s legacy with his friends, I think your brother would want you to.
I’m rootin’ for ya Archer!
So, after some good Christmas food, family time, and two therapy sessions (on Friday the 23rd, and today), I feel much better now.
Obviously I will have more sessions, but things are much better now, so thanks for all of your concerns.
So, after some good Christmas food, family time, and two therapy sessions (on Friday the 23rd, and today), I feel much better now.
Obviously I will have more sessions, but things are much better now, so thanks for all of your concerns.
It’s very nice to know that you are doing better.
Hi Archer. I read your original message, and tried a few times to put down something that could have helped. Obviously, I failed, but wanted to let you know that I’m rooting for you, and glad there has been improvement in your life.
The previous posters have said it all pretty well. Keep going mate
Hi Archer. I read your original message, and tried a few times to put down something that could have helped. Obviously, I failed, but wanted to let you know that I’m rooting for you, and glad there has been improvement in your life.
The previous posters have said it all pretty well. Keep going mate
Thank you. As I’ve a few posts above, I’ve gotten a lot better.
I also proposed to my girlfriend last night and she excitedly said yes, so that cheered me up quite a bit.
Yay.
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